Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

Your never lonely on the tube

To The Cyclist who’s bike I stole….

…you ain’t getting it back!!!

*Cough..Cough..*

Tube driver this morning –

“The next station is trendy Acton Town.”

….ermmmm, Since when?

Drunk and sleepy on the Buses

london night bus

london night bus

So I got invited to a particularly posh awards to do in beautiful London town the other day. The usual free champagne, wine and beer flowed all night long and by 11 o’clock the night is going well (or so I thought) I decide to meet up with some friends around Liverpool street… and the next thing I know I am asleep on a night bus and it is 3am.

How did this happen, well quite obvious really, I got on and fell asleep.

Now most people who live in London will know that a London night can be particularly chilly at the best of times so the comfort and the warmth of a bus came as a huge relief and surprise when I first awoke from my slumber. The emptiness of the bus was also appealing to my inebriated self, so instead of getting off and hailing the nearest black cab and going home as any sober person would have done, I simply went back to my ZZZs.

Now buses do come to the end of their line eventually so when I was turfed off I can recall simply hoping on the next one that came along, oyster card in hand and finding a new corner to snooze in. Where the bus was going or where I picked it up from I do not recall or indeed do I care, but the warmth and cosiness of that seat once more led to me having a good hours snooze or so.

Soon after I was given orders by the driver to leave my seat with a depot fast approaching and once more a new bus was quickly located. Tactics began to be formed, as I headed back towards central London from where I think was the Finchely area.

I managed to time my journey on the final bus of the night as it arrived in Trafalgar Square at 5.30am and as the pigeons looked on in slight confusion and suspicion of this man still wearing a tuxedo from the night before I hopped on my first train back to my non moving home. Just in time for a few more hours sleep before jaunting back in to work as fresh as a daisy (that might be a slight fib).

So the next time you find yourself stranded with the final tube gone and no money for a cab, look for the nearest double-decker and get yourself the comfortable cheap alternative to a dodgy B&B.

This may shine a certain light on my person, as someone who A. enjoys a good hearty drink and B. doesn’t really care about what other people think.
Indeed I may easily offend or disgust you with the above revelations, but I say there are loads more people like me out there in the city and aren’t we the most interesting…I’ll let you decide that!

I HAZ A LUNDUN

IZ IN YR CAPITIL

See more LOLBorisez at I HAZ A LUNDUN! Please make more and submit them. I sense a rich vein of comedy here.

Europes Largest Crane Auction

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How Not To Lose Your Plant Pot!!

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A taste of the Edinburgh Fringe in Sw11

I have been to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival a few times now. I love the atmosphere and of course going to see the shows. I really don’t know if I will make it this year and it is up coming soon.

But many of the comedy acts are doing rehearsals right now of their shows in London and some of them are literally just around the corner from me in Lavender Hill and in Battersea at the Battersea Arts Centre and Theatre 503.

And of course one of the great things of the Fringe is the Speigel tent. I am currently working from the flat but it is so hot my mind melting during the day and am I getting thirsty. I have all the windows open to try to keep cool. One of the local pubs has a shady beer garden; that will be closet I get to the Spiegel tent it seems.

I think I will treat myself to a beer soon. Maybe after I post this.

Theatre 503

Battersea Arts Centre

You know you’ve lived in London too long when…

Found this a few days ago – thought I should share it with you lot! Its VERY true for those who have moved to London from elsewhere, like myself…

1 . You don’t even bother looking out of the window when you get up in the morning to check what the day is like. You know it is overcast.

2. You believe that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are all good nights for drinking. Sunday day is also entirely reasonable.

3. You can’t remember what ‘customer service’ means.

4. After a big night out you find yourself looking for a Curry house and not a 24 hour McDonalds.

5. You start to accept queuing as a way of life.

6. More than three hours sunlight on summer days seems excessive.

7. You support a team…and it’s not Manchester United.

8. You don’t think twice about buying a packaged sandwich.

9. A sunny lunchtime means searching for a patch of grass and stripping off practically down to your underwear.

10. You expect men to actually cut, comb and style their hair (using hair products). And to wear decent clothes. Jeans and a t-shirt are no longer socially acceptable.

11. You think 40 quid for a haircut is quite reasonable.

12. You finish every sentence with “Cheers” or “Innit”, and start every conversation with Hiya.

13. You only just realise you have lost your sunglasses – you left them in Greece 2 summers ago.

14. You start thinking English cuisine isn’t all that bad after all, I mean, it’s hard to beat a full English breakfast.

15. You are on to your 6th umbrella and your second overcoat.

16. You buy a disposable baby BBQ from Argos.

17. You realise your sunscreen is the stuff you originally brought from home with you.

18. A day at the beach means wearing the warmest clothes you own while standing on golf ball-size pebbles and the thought of swimming doesn’t even enter your head.

19. You actually say, “Sor’ed” or “it’s all gone a bit pear shaped”.

20. Wearing a suit in a pub is relatively normal attire. 21. You have given up complaining about the Victorian-like banking services offered in the UK.

22. You have given up explaining why you are half an hour late to work as no-one notices or even cares. In fact – you may even join the one hour gossip session around the coffee machine before booting up your computer.

23. Coming to work with a hangover is entirely accepted and indeed expected at least once a week.

Have you got any? let us hear it then! leave them in ‘comments’

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